My Once A Upon a Time Life

Sometimes I think about the phases of my life that I went through. Its not easy really living thru the years.Sometimes I dont' know what I am living for. I walk thru life in a state of blurness, if there is such a word.

There's the Primary school phase, I can't remember much about it but I remember some of the faces esp those who were in my circle of friends. sometimes, out of the blue, I will think about them. Its amazing, how I can still picture how they look like very clearly. That's the amazing part of my memory. I can remember faces very well. But I can also say, of late I choose to remember things I want to remember. There were some significant events during that part of my growing up. I remember during standard 4, going to school with a big patch of bandage on the left of my face. Couple of stitches due to the reason, I fell from the bike being the pillion not the rider. My brother was the rider. Bike as in Bicycle. Anyways, that scared me for life. Even when I started working, people saw the scar as fresh. Some even asked me whether it was just recently I had the fall and when did it happen. How to explain hor, that it happened when I was in primary school?

of course, from the age of 5, I learnt ballet, piano, organ - you name it. I enjoyed ballet classes till I ws 12, almost completed all the stages they had but due to the constant complaining of stomach ache, my mother decided, its not good for me so I quit. Piano continued till I finished grade 8, I even started the diploma classes half way, then I quit. Why? Coz I didn't know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I finished Grade 8 when I was in form 4. Well what do you expect, I started piano when I was 5!!!!.

sometimes when I think back, I had the opportunity to choose a different path, like maybe be a piano teacher or something. But at the point in my life, I just didn't want that. I wanted the glamourous life of the corporate world. Did I really?
From standard 4 till standard 6, I was a prefect in school. Then in standard 6, I was elected to be the head prefect for the school. So young yet the responsibility so high. Maybe that really cultivated the serious nature in me which till today I can't shrug it away.
Secondary school, move from a saint named school to a methodis girls school.... Some of my primary school friends were in the same school too. But we were not in the same class. Funny, how my mind always drift back to the times in secondary school sometimes. I remember faces, the happy times, the sad times, the times that changed my life forever. Its so important what the teachers say to you during that time. How my confidence was crushed and was never recovered totally. I should spend more time going thru the times of my childhood maybe then I will be able to identify what made me like this.

Almost made the head school girl again when I went back during Frm 6 but i didn't want it, didn't even want to be a prefect anymore.Tired of it lah. almost my whole school life I was a prefect. never can break rules but always have to uphold them. So I declined the position of a head girl but remained a prefect until the day I left secondary school. I was a sprinter in school. Also Badminton and netball were my games. As for netball, I always played center - a role where you have to run alot. but i like it. I want to share with you this experience I feel when I run. I feel so free so spirited. So light, so free from all the burdens. But I used to suffer alot too. I used to have knee pain all the time. When it rains sometimes my knee feels like so painful - almost like someone who has rhumetism. At least its much better now.

That was my life during my childhood days. If my parents didn't stop me from being so involved in games, I would have maybe taken a different path. I would say that my parents decision, has actually affected my decisions on being what I want and being what they want me to be. This goes on even till university. Being born in an asian culture, we are so torn in respecting our parents decision or in following what our heart tells us.

This career wasn't one which I would have chosen for myself. Before I left for the States to study, I told my father that I like psychology. I like dealing with learning about people, about society, about the things that deal with communication. I wanted to Study Psychology. You know what he told me? If you were to use my money and I am to send you so far for your education, I will not allow you to study psychology. so it was either accounting or computer sc. I hate math. I hate math I hate math..... But I had no choice, do I did it. I compromised, I did a major in Management Information Systems. I would say that I breezed thru the humantities class, the social sciences class and the business class with no problem. No problem with math either - algebra, calculus. Basically I did very well in Univeristy. Abit of struggling with programming tho - had a really traumatic experience there but I did okay I would say. But I still am afraid of it.. Its plagued me all this while and still is plaguing me. I still am not able to cross that hurdle that my very first manager told me. I see in you, you can do it.... once you cross that hurdle you will do well. I cant' cross that hurdle, i still have nightmares about it.
Over the years, I lost touch with the person inside me. I dont' even know who I want to be anymore? I long for a life far from the corporate world. But due to the demands of this world, I have to carry on.

But life shouldn't be that way. right? There should be more to all this.... Will I ever find courage to cross the hurdles placed infront of me. Will I ever be able to bury "fear" from my life and move on with faith and courage? Only time will tell.